WE’RE BACK AGAIN FOR ANOTHER YEAR FOOLS. After a long and ardu­ous jour­ney of battling adver­si­ties of all sorts, getting merked by summer school and my job and grap­pling with an exis­ten­tial crisis, UW Bath­rooms is back for another school year filled with drop­ping bath­room knowl­edge for the rest of the United States to heed. There is no coin­ci­dence that the return of UW Bath­rooms happened less than 24 hours after the announce­ment of D-Rose’s return to the Bulls. Our jour­neys have been compared to one another through­out the extent of our respec­tive endeav­ors. Between the high­est highs and the lowest lows there has been a deter­mi­na­tion to come back stronger and not let our city down. This is going to be that NBA cham­pi­onship season. ‘Cause seri­ous­ly, fuck the Miami Heat.

The personal story­lines make the blog compelling but the bottom line is that UW Bath­rooms is read because of a demand for infor­ma­tion. Where are the most private bath­rooms to poop in for people that are scared of doing it in the pres­ence of other people? Where are the bath­rooms with dividers between the urinals because you’re self­-con­scious about your body? All of these ques­tions are valid yet are largely unan­swered, or their answers have not been consol­i­dated into a lava­to­r­ial archive. So I apol­o­gize to all of those whose ques­tions I left unan­swered. I am sure you all managed to perse­vere and go out of your comfort zones for the time being but it’s time for these concerns to be met, results to be shown.

Back to what I (arguably) do best. The Archi­tec­ture Hall is conve­niently halfway between my Monday-Wednes­day-Fri­day classes so it’s a good point for me to go to the bath­room in between pass­ing peri­ods. My first and third classes are in Winken­werder and as previ­ous posts have refer­enced, it is not a high­ly-re­garded bath­room by any means. The ones in Gould, where my second class is, are okay but their layout in the build­ing is confus­ing. Archi­tec­ture has one on the first and third floors and none on the second floor where the main entrance of the build­ing is on, which seemed as a letdown at first due to the slight incon­ve­nience, so I hoofed it up to the third floor. In hind­sight going to the first floor was a much more effi­cient choice because you can slip out the side doors that lead directly outside rather than having to go up or down any addi­tional stairs but when life gives you lemons you make lemon­ade, as the saying goes.

The third floor bath­rooms are located behind the little cafe setup that I had no idea existed until now but in the future might be very clutch if I need coffee in between class­es. These bath­rooms are unortho­dox in that they are unisex. Howev­er, they are single-per­son bath­rooms, which means absolute privacy if you have to poop. All you inse­cure, nervous bath­room-go­ers, this spot should be on your short list of favorites.

The down­side to these is that they have neither windows nor a semblance of a venti­la­tion system, so the stall I went to was pretty stanky. The toilet paper dispenser was stub­born and would­n’t let me unroll as many squares as I wanted to, but after calcu­lat­ing the tension coef­fi­cients (toi­let paper tension Ttp) and recal­i­brat­ing for the new changes in force it became manage­able. The aspect of privacy did have some mental effects on me. I didn’t feel as rushed as I do in multi­-stall bath­rooms and that arguably raised the qual­ity of my expe­ri­ence. One impor­tant thing to note is that the toilet is outfit­ted with a smart flush­er, which can flush less water for #1 than for #2. They don’t give you any indi­ca­tion of this, which has its faults and merits, so push down on the handle for the former and pull upwards for the latter. I am made opti­mistic that some­day these will be the norm and we can conserve water and save the planet and all the endan­gered species and whatever.

Archi­tec­ture/CM majors, I’m sorry I revealed your private sanc­tu­ary to the world. But can you blame me? Noth­ing’s really sacred anymore now that the inter­net capi­tal­izes on anything exclu­sive. Don’t think of it like that, though. It’s less Hype­beast, more… what­ev­er. I’m bless­ing you with some knowl­edge right now.