To help my fellow students prepare for Dead Week and Finals Week, I will not join your study group. Instead, I will give you a comprehensive review of the Suzzallo and Allen Library bathrooms. In my eyes, this will help you choose study spots to your restroom-going preferences and increase studying efficiency. Other libraries won’t be reviewed because Suzzallo and Allen are the best locations on campus to study. Bottom line is, the following updates will be critical to read for you to pass your classes, so they should be reviewed and understood just as well, if not better than your exam material. Therefore, I expect recognition for any classes in which you exceeded expectations. Why can I get away with writing these reviews without studying, you inquire? Because I’m taking ESRM core classes, that’s why.
The third floor bathroom in Suzzallo (remember, Suzzallo and Allen occupy the same building but are technically two separate entities [Allen was added on in 1990 after Suzzallo was built throughout the 20’s and 30’s]) is right across from the Reading Room. High schoolers and awestruck freshmen also know it as the Harry Potter Room, because J.K. Rowling was the first person to think about putting elaborate light fixtures, tables and bookshelves in giant, high-ceilinged, stone rooms that could belong to a castle. There’s at least a hundred people in there at any given moment and it’s a highlight on the campus tour so it’s always pretty crowded. The open area right outside of it also has study spots and there’s a wing of study rooms and offices to the side of that. Desks are interspersed in between bookshelves containing approximately one billion volumes.
Which is a surprise to say that this bathroom is really underwhelming. To begin with it’s pretty small. But just looking at it makes you realize all the wasted potential of it. With only one handicap toilet stall and two urinals, it cannot sustain a high level of traffic. The urinals are set at an angle to the toilet and sinks so it’s a very awkward space, augmented by the uncomfortably close proximity of the stalls to one another. To top it off, one of them is a kid stall. Remember to aim low.
The worst part about this bathroom is that there are four sinks and four paper towel dispensers to accommodate the stalls. You might be excited at the prospect of very clean hands, but I see inefficiency. Why place four sinks when there are only going to be three at most people peeing or pooping at any given time? There’s also an excessive amount of paper towel dispensers equal to the amount of sinks. Both these amenities take up a sizable amount of space in the joint, each on opposite sides of the room. It’s just too damn disproportionate of a receptacle:sink ratio for utmost functionality. It’s like having a hundred guns with one round of bullets. The excessive things also make the bathroom seem even more crowded than it already is and thus upsets the feng shui energy flow. Conversion of one or two of the sinks to urinals would be most efficient in my mind, but it is what it is.
Along with lacking functionality and being a little crowded, it’s the only restroom on the third floor of the Suzzallo/Allen complexes besides the ones on the north and south wings of Allen, both of which are a pretty long walk away if it’s urgent. It usually smells pretty bad due to overuse too. That and the water fountains right by it have low water pressure (there is a better one is the old metal one by the side staircase). Basically, everything about this bathroom is rather unsatisfactory, but if you’re hitting the books in the Reading Room, you really don’t have much of a choice. A meager one a three-quarters out of five and zero quarters rating shall be decreed.
The women’s restrooms are similarly underwhelming. Only two stalls, one handicap and one standard sized. The lack of toilets and high traffic mean you will almost always find yourself waiting in line in this awkwardly shaped and foul smelling bathroom. You will not find the same excessive hand-washing facilities, only two sinks and two paper towel dispensers. On a scale of 1 to 5, this bathroom receives a meh/apathetic shoulder shrug. If you happen to be studying with someone who is willing to watch your things (never leave items in the library unattended, IT ONLY TAKES A SECOND), I highly recommend venturing to the main floor. The bathroom at the bottom of the stairs has a much better atmosphere with sturdy wood stall doors, about 5 or 6 stalls, a slew of sinks and paper towel dispensers, and a more spacious layout. However, as this is the bathroom closest to the entrance and Suzzallo Cafe, it also receives the most traffic, again leading to sometimes painfully long queues as your bladder throbs while you wait for entire high school classes on field trips to use the bathroom. The best bathroom in Suzzallo hands down is the other restroom on the main floor. Pass up the crowded bathroom by the stairs about 40 feet and you will find Suzzallo’s most underrated facilities. The largest restroom, with about 5 stalls, 4 sinks, and plenty of wasted hall space, this is your best bet for some privacy. If you have to poop and you’re in Suzzallo, there’s no question that this is the place to be. So as you over-consume coffee to fuel your frantic study sesh, and really get those bowels moving, remember not to bother with other Suzzallo bathrooms.
Best of luck to all of you as you study, write papers, and pee and poop in library bathrooms! I’m a senior and I’m duuuunnnzzooo bitches!